Spring Break (and why I am not going to Haiti)

Twelve days.

Spring break is moments away. Or less than two weeks anyway. And then I will be back in Brunswick for a week, seeing friends and family.

Part of me is really excited about this. I haven't been back since August, not really. I spent three weeks there this December, but most of it was curled up on a bed crying, because my heart could not handle being in two countries at once. 

So it will be good to go back and see everyone. But I can't quite say that it will be good to be home.

Because I don't really know where 'home' is anymore, not if home is where the heart is.

I've been struggling with that for a while now actually, not understanding this 'home-thing'. I'm not failing out of school, but it is very, very hard to be here. Last year was hard too, being in a new environment, having such a dark winter (I've got S.A.D if you didn't know) dealing with homesickness. This year is about the same, but with good friends around to support me. If I am strong enough to show my weakness that is.

And I have a whole new brand of homesickness to contend with. Because Haiti became my home. And not just a home that counts as a place to live, but a place where I FIT. 

MY tasks and MY responsibilities and the things that I did that made life easier for everyone else. Things that made me part of a team, a community, a family. 

photo by Jim Warren

It felt so right and so good and so safe; I was living smack dab in the middle of my Father's hand and the next step was simple; do the next good thing. And no, you don't need to tell me that I am still in the middle of my Dad's hand. I know that. And I know that I am supposed to trust. And that I will have to learn to live with this heartache, because Haiti is not the only country that will claim a part of my heart. And I know that it gets easier with time. You don't have to tell me because it's the first thing that I tell myself every morning; God Loves you kiddo, and everything that that entails...

I don't want to give the wrong impression either, there were plenty of days that I wanted out. There were plenty of moments that all I could think about was getting on a plane and getting back to the United States and Never Looking Back. 

Let's skip to tonight. Right now. Where my heart is at.

I can't go back to Haiti for spring break. Not because I don't have enough money for school right now, because I don't. But it's not about the money. Because what  I needed for last semester was there almost before I arrived in the country. No, finances are scary sometimes, but only long enough for me to remember how I will always be taken care of.

I can't go back to Haiti for spring break because God knows I can't handle it.

I would get off that plane and Never Come Back.

maybe it's the wind howling outside of my window. Maybe it's the expected senioritis. Perhaps it's the refusal for me to let go of my own personal grief from leaving. Maybe I am not really good with transitions. Maybe I just need a hug.

It could be a host of reasons, but whatever the breakdown is, tonight it is hard for me to Be.